I'm so tired of being sad. I can't wait to get away from this place and it's memories. Sometimes I feel like it would be running away to leave. But I've been here longer then I can take it. Roughed out what I thought I couldn't handle, and there is nothing left to be tough about. Alaska is not the place for me. It's beautiful and exciting and fun. But who needs all that when you are alone?Visiting family once as a year is never enough. It was bearable when I was in love and had someone here that made it worth it to be away. Someone to share the exciting fun things about Alaska with. But, now? It's pointless. There's no reason to be so sad. Especially when it is self-inflicted. So why!?Why, am I still sad? I suppose these blogs aren't the favorite to be read. My depressing "Why me" "Boo hoo" moments. But when I look back and read these later, I don't want to forget that most of the time ... most of the time ... I was misplaced in Alaska. I did come up here to follow a dream. But the dream sure wasn't Alaska, it was love. And it broke. And I tried again and it broke again. There is no other reason I am here. And there is no other reason to stay. I have to admit I've met and will cherish some really great friends, but they are not permanent in Alaska either. I had my fun, lived my few adventures and I want to go home. Not that I have a specific place to call home. But home is where my family is. Something else is waiting for me ... and I have to find it instead of waiting for it to happen. I've wasted too much time away from my family and the people who will really love me and take care of me if I need it. Down in the states every things within driving distance. I can go be with them all. And hopefully, finally, take that last step of moving on and past what I regret and will leave behind here. See? I just have to talk myself through the sad moments. They come and go. Suck it up and live another day. That lost helpless feeling is just fear. Just me being scared. I let it get to me too much. This whole being sad all the time thing was cute for Eeyore ... but I don't pull it off so well.
I believe in my happy ending. Just wish it wasn't so hard to find. But as they say, good things come to those who wait, and nothing worth having was ever easy. I will stumble across my fairy tale some where along the way. Once again God, where is my white knight?

1 Comment

1. M on 5:13 PM, July 29, 2007

   You are your own white knight, my dear. Stop waiting! Live, love, move, shake. Be.
   
   I love you.