I haven't talked to my Dad in a while.
We're not fighting ... but he's not really on my "A" list right now. I'm a little ... well no ... a lot disappointed in the way he has handled himself during and after his exit from our family life. He and my Mom got divorced last year. It's been hard on everyone, but so had all the years before that, when they were usually unhappy and fighting. They worked for a long time to work things out. And I have to admit, the good times were definitely good. It scares me though to start imagining how my marriage will work out. I love my parents, but I don't want to work so hard to be happy without results. I wish I could have helped change the way things were between them. Because I love them both and want them both to be happy. But it was never our place to change. When I say "our" I mean us girls who were brought into the middle of their lives. There's four of us. My big sister Megan, my twin sister Emily, me, and my little sister Katie. We are just about the best sisters you could ever imagine. Take any of those funny family sitcoms with siblings and multiply the laughs, and tears, and fights, and make-ups x12 and you might get close to how cool we are. But we are all at very different stages in our lives and we have all dealt differently with Mom and Dad's separation. I mean, Megan and Katie have kids ... it's hard to keep a Grandpa distant. But Emily and I don't have kids ... and it's like Dad doesn't really put forth the effort to contact us that he does for the Grand babies. I'm pretty sure that adds to a little bit of resentment I have growing of him. He is, after all, the one who made all this happen. And I feel like, (often I judge myself about this feeling) but I feel like he should be the one putting forth the effort to mend whatever type of relationship we have left. It's been a while now... I wasn't ready to talk to him for a long time because I didn't have my feelings figured out. But he didn't try and contact me, so it was easy to avoid. But the more I avoided it the more I felt avoided. Then we got a letter from him. And when I say "we", it's because all the girls got the same typed letter with one difference, our name changed at the top. It gave a feeble explanation of what he had done and chosen. But not really enough to answer all the questions I had about what went down or how he expected our lives to continue with this change. Mom talks to me about it with me when I ask. I know her side, and tend to sympathize with her strongly. But that doesn't mean I don't want to understand my Dad and get some sort of closure about this from him. I know he was divorcing Mom, but it sure affected everyone along the way. And I needed some understanding as well. So I wrote him (like the big dramatic girl that I am) an 8 page letter with all of my feelings. It took me about 6 letter drafts and 2 months to finish the letter. I put a lot of thought into it and spared little detail, no matter how bitter. I let him know what I was really feeling. But to date, I have not received a response to that letter, past a note in my birthday card that read "thanks for your letter". I don't know what he's thinking. But I wish he could understand the wall he is building between us by leaving this time to go by without explanation. I try to convince myself that it is just as much my job to contact and repair things with him. But then I talk to my Mom, and get a reminder of how things were left behind and I lose that desire and calling to put forth the effort he is neglecting. Part of me selfishly wants to stay away just to protect my Mom and show him that I will cherish what he has left behind. And part of me knows that it's wrong to let go of the relationship I had with him. But most of me is waiting, hoping for something to change. Something to get better and repair what no one seems able to mend. He was a fun Dad. I miss the good times, but not more then my Mom misses the idea of a complete family for the rest of her life. What I hope the most is that watching the things that effected my family won't stop me from trusting and believing in my own family to be. I am very afraid that I will, or have walked away from what could be my loving future because I'm too scared for it to turn out wrong. Believing in myself has shown to be my biggest challenge. And believing in my future is seeming to be my next obstacle.

1 Comment

1. Rice Family on 1:12 PM, July 18, 2007

   I love you and miss you so much...I just wanted to tell you I believe in you and how strong you are, and that you're future is bound to be amazing just because you're in it. And I think dad is going to be something that will always hurt, even if things get figured out and explained.